The Ghost of Yesterday

I knew every twitchel, every alley
Of that tiny universe
Had a shortcut and a treetop
Where I could escape and traverse

I would hear them round the corner
And then run in fear and shame
Whenever I would hear them call,
That awful crass nickname.

“That you Ghostie?!
We know you’re in there!”
And sure enough I would be,
Cowering with fear!

They called me that in ‘86
When Maradona fame
Had sent me down the football field
In hope of playing a game

“God in’t ‘e payul?!”
Remarked a bigger lad
And I was back then
At not quite ten
So didn’t think it bad!

They all had names
So it felt right in a way
To play some kind of part
There was Chalky, well, he was black
And Whiffy, who, apparently
Was constantly letting off farts!

So it became a term of endearment
Playground banter, not spiteful
Casper the Friendly Ghostie
Didn’t seem too bad a title!

But when we went up to Willows School
The banter all turned sour
With a punch in the ribs
Or a mouthful of lip
From a different little urchin each hour

The reverse was the case
From the nicer folks face
For they’d all heard that I was a loser
And no one would choose
To schmooze with a dude
That’s in danger of beats from a bruiser!

So what hurt the most
Being nicknamed the Ghost
Was that I seemed to be invisible
I tried to be funny
Or pretend I had money
But my efforts were all inadmissible!

Now I’m 6 foot and two
But it’s taken a few
Years to catch up the mind with the body
For at first I saw merely
a little boy not nearly
The tall man within my reflection

But now when I stand
With my loved ones at hand
I see courage, respect and acceptance.

P J Deakin 2015 ©

Grace/ I wish

I wish that I could take your place
Instead of watching helplessly
As each day you run the human race
And stumble as they trip you

I wish it was my face they’d taunt
About it being thin and gaunt
I wish it was my ribs they bruised
My name they called, me they abused

Instead of being my sweet Grace
My Darling daughter’s smiling face
Who tries to brave the worst of storms
When hair is pulled and hopes are torn.

I’d walk that road all over again
To see you never suffer pain
The anguish and the fear you feel
I know must be so very real.

But life goes on and you will grow
And voices loud will fade and though
You feel like you’ll not ever be free
I promise one day you will be!

My joy, my heart belongs to you
Your voice as sweet as nightingale
Arrayed in gown of gold and white
My Princess fair my princess pale

Unmerited favour from on high
That’s what your name means
My sweet Grace
And I could not deserve
A greater honour than being in this humble place
And loving you as Fathers should
With all my heart with all I could!

P J Deakin 2015 ©

Orbiting a Black Hole

It is often said that you don’t appreciate what you’ve got until you’ve lost it.

But speaking from experience, for some people, impetuous people like me, unfortunately it is sometimes the only way to drive the message home! but it doesn’t have to be!  I had all the warning signs before me…

In the time immediately before I cheated on my wife, I actually had everything I had ever dreamed of, I owned my own home, my wife loved me unconditionally, my children adored me, and I had a well-paid job but the aching lack of self-worth I had inside meant I still felt it wasn’t enough!  I still needed to stand on stage and be adored because I was so insecure.

Also, I felt like I was a dying star floating around in space, my light fading, I felt the inevitability of failure sucking me in and like that star orbiting a powerful black hole, the pull on my will was just too strong.  In the end I got exhausted fighting it on my own and was dragged into the black hole.  The gravitational pull of sin and temptation was so strong on my life I felt destined to fail for ever!
But then, a few days after I had confessed having an affair to my wife, I had a conversation with a christian colleague.  She asked me, “where are you?”  I told her honestly, ” I feel that I really don’t know! I’m 50/50.  I’m at a crossroads and I could turn either way!”  My colleague, Mary, a wise and compassionate woman who I admired said “well, then I’m very sorry for you!”

As she said those words I had what I call a “God thought”.  My wife describes hearing from God in a really clear and simple way, having a thought that you wouldn’t think of!  This is what happened then!  I heard my inner voice speaking the words from Proverbs 14:12…

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it only leads to death!”  Prov 14:12

I heard that voice, what I believe to be the voice of God, loud and clear in my heart, and it scared me!  Not because I feared his retribution but because I could hear the pain in His voice as He said it, and I decided there and then that I was going to get back to God, at any cost!  I didn’t know then that my marriage was fixable, all I knew was, I needed to get right with God.

In recalling this tale to a friend at a restaurant last night, I got choked up as I remembered the pain I had felt in God’s heart when he spoke to me, so tenderly that day.
That was the day I decided to start following God, whatever the cost.  And that decision that day saved my life!

I don’t know where I would be now had I not listened to that still small voice on that day, but that loving nudge brought me back to the arms of the Father.

I am happy to be writing this as I lay in bed next to the woman I married 16 years ago.  I don’t deserve to be here but a decision I made on that day has ultimately brought me home, to my family!

Son, Daughter, I need you to know that God still lives today! He’s speaking to you right now, calling you to come home! It’s not too late! Receive His love, acceptance and forgiveness.
Thank you for reading,

Bless you!

Phil